The topic of motherhood is in the air. Just in the last week both my friends Sara and Megan wrote about the subject so beautifully. I’m thrilled to see our community approaching the subject with a graceful honesty and vulnerability. Both of them have toddlers, a stage I’m relieved to be out of, but I remember feeling the exact same way they describe in their stunning essays: Overwhelmed, exhausted, out of control, angry, scared, and alone.
It’s for these sweet friends and for all of you reading these words who may be in that stage where you are overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion that I continue this series on motherhood.
What I needed to hear.
Be a better boss.
My 8 year old falls into a deep pit of despair come Sunday nights. He is not loving school (that’s putting it mildly) so when the reality of a fresh week hits him suddenly there are stomach aches and headaches and tears and the need for pep talks and snuggles.
I started to notice that I was basically throwing the adult version of his Sunday night fits. “Why?” I thought. I’m an adult, I get to set my schedule, I’m doing work that I enjoy, and I have a healthy family. What’s wrong with that?
I realized what I was dreading was my overly critical boss who berates me all day. My boss will say things like, “Ugh. You’re already behind because you slept in. Your kids have nothing to put in their lunch – I mean, really, how unorganized can you get? When are you EVER going to do laundry? Your inbox is a disaster. Have you seen your children’s shoes? They are falling apart – you need to buy them new shoes. See that pile of clothes in your bedroom? Most people use a closet not the floor!.” It goes on and on and on. That inner critical boss berates my every action and I hadn’t realized how exhausting it was until I started dreading starting the week.
Something clicked in me and I decided that I needed to be a better boss to myself. I woke up one morning and starting applauding myself for even the simplest of tasks. Seriously, it was a bit ridiculous but something needed to change. “Good job for getting out of bed this morning, Ashley! I know that wasn’t easy. Great job on that coffee this morning. Hey, way to teach your children independence by having them make their own lunch and do their own laundry. I’m proud of you for ignoring that mess and choosing to sit and snuggle your child instead.” There was a lot of reframing and lot of taking note of the simple accomplishments that happened throughout the day.
By the end of the day I was still filled with energy (rare), I was happy, excited and felt really damn good about myself. Starting the days after I upped my boss game felt like a gift, not a burden. I was eager to cheer myself on.
Then I started to notice another beautiful effect – I became less critical and more of a cheerleader to my family. If they put their dish away after breakfast I noticed it rather than the cup they left behind. I congratulated them for doing their homework, being ready for baseball practice on time, remembering their jacket and for just being awesome.
It began with simply reframing, then I started to see other reasons for cheering and then with the boldness I felt from being cheered on I started to take bigger leaps, I did more around the house, and felt empowered to just do more. Berating and judgement and a critical attitude made me want to curl in a ball in the corner and cry but the cheers (even though they were just from me) made me feel like I could do anything.
Now let me be real honest and say this takes intention. Even as I’m writing this I’m realizing that I’ve been a really crappy boss lately. I’ve let myself get weighed down by all the things I tell myself I’m not doing well enough. But I’ve seen and felt the difference in the cheers and am determined to be my own cheerleader in my days because life is hard and we all can use more applause.
Good job to you for taking a quiet moment and reading this.
Taking care of yourself is the opposite of being selfish when you have little people to raise.
I kissed their heads with coffee in hand and an audio book queued up then headed to the car on a road trip for one. Not every day finds me in between perfectly formed rows of blueberry blossoms with bees dipping into the petals providing a low vibrating hum like the bass line for the birds singing the melody. Wandering the fields I felt tightness leave my shoulders and creativity wiggling its way into the creaks and crevices where stress and anxiety had taken root. I came home from that day lighter, inspired and eager to tell my family all about it.
Gabe used to have to push me out of the house when the kids were little. I feel incessantly guilty for needing as much time away from them as I did. My introversion wasn’t so apparent until I had children and then suddenly I realized how much I needed quiet. Guilt overwhelmed me as I looked at other mothers who seemed to handle long days with their children just fine. I should suck it up and deal with it, I told myself. Slowly I started to learn what I needed and then ask for it.
Sometimes in the evening I would take myself to a coffee shop and just sit. I remember one evening in particular I sat in the chair with a pen and a blank page and the words just started falling and then so did the tears. Tears of complete and utter joy because in that quiet moment I could hear myself. I found me again. It was a little reset button and then the next day with the diapers, tears, tantrums and dishes felt a little more doable.
We all care for ourselves differently but the need for it is the same. I require a LOT of quiet. I know that now and have given up feeling guilty about it and just appreciating and owning up to that part of me. People always told me about the importance of self care and yet it felt so trite, cliché and in that season, impossible. So I imagine my words here might feel the same. But what I needed to hear back then is that taking care of myself and my needs is actually a selfless act, not selfish, as it enables me to take better care of my family. Know yourself, know your needs, and ask for what you need. Can you think of a better lesson to teach your children?
This recipe is the result of that day of caring for myself with a trip out of the city. I visited Bow Hill Blueberry farm to learn more about their process and products and in this little escape I took deep breaths and came back buzzing like those bees in the blossoms.
Susan greeted me in their shop on the farm and immediately led me out into the fields. She and her husband Harley purchased the farm in 2011 but the farm itself began in 1947 making it the oldest blueberry farm in Skagit County. It’s now a bustling organic blueberry farm growing many different varieties each having their own distinct characteristics.
For those who don’t get the pleasure of experiencing the farm and picking the berries as I do (we’ll see you there in July and August!), they’ve now made their products available to ship nationwide. On the day I visited the berries were far from being ready to pick but the shot of cold blueberry juice I drank tasted just like eating blueberries in the middle of the summer.
This recipe, which happens to be an ideal candidate for Mother’s Day breakfast, uses Bow Hill’s Organic Heirloom Blueberry Powder blended with honey to make a stunningly purple, antioxidant rich sweetener for this simple yogurt bowl. As with all of their products, the blueberry powder is grown and made directly on the farm. They create the powder using the byproduct of the juice making process so what you are left with is all the nutrient dense richness found in the blueberry skins concentrated into a powder that is high in fiber, Manganese, Iron, and Vitamin C.
Beyond the blueberry honey we’re using our powder to boost smoothies, vinaigrettes, and baked goods. I also just whipped up a stunning blueberry salt which adds the most lovely purple color to everything it touches.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there. I know that for many this is a hard holiday to celebrate for various reasons but I’m hoping that you found truth in the thoughts I’ve shared today. We all can learn to be a better boss and take the time to care for ourselves regardless of where life has you.
Here’s the first post in my series on motherhood which I’m calling: What I Needed to Hear.
* This post was sponsored by Bow Hill Blueberries. As always the words, recipe, and photos are mine. Thank you so much for supporting the businesses that support Not Without Salt.
Blueberry Yogurt Bowl with Seedy Granola Crisps
The granola crisps were inspired by a recipe in Tartine Everyday. We all love the clusters in granola so basically we’ve just made a giant batch of clusters. I’ve been snacking on them all week. The egg white helps bind the oats and seeds and gives that snappy, crisp texture. Feel free to use whatever seeds and nuts you happen to have on hand.
2 cup oats
1/2 cup almonds
1/4 cup pepitas
2 tablespoons sesame seeds
2 tablespoons flax seeds
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 tablespoons butter (or coconut oil), melted
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 cup blueberry honey (recipe below)
1 egg white
2 tablespoons sugar
Preheat your oven to 325°F. Line a sheet pan with parchment paper.
In the bowl of a food processor combine the oats, almonds, and pepitas. Pulse several times to break down the almonds a bit. Add the sesame seeds, vanilla, butter, cinnamon, salt, and honey then pulse until just combined.
In a bowl whisk together the egg white with the sugar. Stir in the oat mixture until well mixed.
Dump this mixture onto the sheet pan then press down using a rubber spatula to form a rough rectangle about 1/4-inch thick or so. Bake until deeply golden, about 45 minutes. Let it cool and if it doesn’t feel entirely crispy then return it to the oven to bake for another 5 to 10 minutes.
Serve these in a bowl with yogurt, fresh blueberries, and a good bit of blueberry honey.
1/2 cup / 6 ounces honey
1 1/2 tablespoons Bow Hill Blueberry powder
Mix together the honey with the blueberry powder. Keeps for a long long time so go ahead and make a lot of it. It’s so beautiful you’ll want to put it on everything.
Wow. I can totally relate to this. It was exactly what I needed to read at this moment. I also require much quiet in order to recharge but am often plagued with guilt for it. Thank you so much sharing. The recipe looks delicious too!🙂
No more guilt! We are all made differently and some of us require more quiet than others. It took me so long to be okay with that. I still struggle with it but fight against the guilt.
You are lovely. Your beautiful words are a reminder to all of us to be kinder to ourselves. We say things to ourselves we would NEVER say to anyone else. We all need to practice being better self bosses. Thank you, Ashley! And now I know about blueberry powder! Off to Bow Hill Farm!!
It’s so true! I say that to my kids too – you would never talk to someone else like that so don’t say it to yourself! Self talk is vitally important to our health and I think it so often goes unnoticed. Have fun at the farm! Let me know how you use the powder.
Beautiful recipe, beautiful photography, beautiful words – yes to everything you said. You have such an ability to hit the nail on the head and reward us with the recipe we’ve been searching for. Bravo! Off to make this now…
Thank you so much Anneliese. Thank you for being here, for reading and for commenting. I so appreciate it.
Thanks for this, Ashley. I definitely need a better boss. One who understands that family stuff happens, and takes priority over getting the regular work stuff done. One that knows that taking vacation time will make me better at my job of being Mom when I return.
And thank you for mentioning that it takes real work and intension to be kinder and more forgiving with ourselves – it helps to know that I’ll have to remind myself to make it happen. My current boss even beratingly agrees that the ripple effects are something to look forward to for my family. 🙂
Gosh I wish I could edit after posting – intention*
Thank you, thank you, thank you. For the very good idea of cheering yourself, but most of all for the paragraph about how hard it is to do that, even after you know how well it works. Your honesty – and completeness – is what make this blog so worth reading.
Also – “Know yourself, know your needs, and ask for what you need.” I have trouble with all three parts of this, but especially “know your needs.” How can I have made it to my 40s without knowing what my needs are?? I struggle to understand what nourishes me. So I am easy prey for the consumer/materialistic answers – get a massage, go to a spa, buy a lovely self-care item. Slowly I am learning that it may be simple things, like drinking enough water and a few minutes of meditation, that help keep me going. But what truly nourishes my soul? I don’t know. Yet.
YES!! I can so relate. I look forward to following your journey and would love to hear what nourishes your soul when you figure it out. And you know what – it may look different in different seasons. Life changes and so do we so knowing ourselves is a life long process. As much as I believe in dating our spouses and connecting with our partners I believe that equally important is the act of dating ourselves. Spending time with our selves and continually being in relationship with our self.
Thank you!! Maybe by dating myself I would learn more about me…
I wish I had read this when my kids were little. (25 years ago!!) You are so wise for someone so young. It took me way longer to realize my need for time alone was nothing to feel guilty about. Lovely essay!
Thank you so much. I really appreciate you reading!
Happy Mother’s Day! Love you and your fabulous heart.
Thank you this fantastic recipe! It looks delicious, I will make it for my family soon! 🙂
I LOVE the solo fieldtrip! I have to get building supplies in Oregon this month, and it hit me…I don’t HAVE to take the children. A quiet road trip, getting to jump out and pop into any shop without towing along toddlers, sounds like pure luxury!
So good, Ashley. I love this post (and am, of course, excited to try this recipe!) I think you raise such great points about getting to know yourself and what you need as a person … I think about this a lot when I wonder what it would’ve been like to have kids earlier (like you guys!). Of course, I wish we had (the grass is always greener thing) but then also think that I know myself so much better in this chapter of life, so perhaps we’re easier on ourselves now. Who knows?! Futile questions, I guess. But all really good food for thought and I love the exercise of encouraging ourselves for small acts (Monday afternoons call for this).
Really beautiful post — if you haven’t already, check out Kristin Neff’s work on compassion. A lot to learn about how to be kinder…to ourselves.
I took her online class along with Brene Brown!! Really amazing. In fact, I should go back and re-watch it!
This resonates with me so much right now. My husband and I decided this morning that we are going to start betting on ourselves, having confidence in our abilities, and not letting other people dictate our happiness and stress levels so much. We have spent too many Sundays with “the sunday night scaries” as we call them. And too many, days stressing about things that our outside of our control. Thank you for the reminder to be kinder to ourselves.
Also, seedy granola crisps sound AMAZING with any sort of fruit compote and yogurt:)
Beautiful words, photos, and blueberry recipe. Love it all!
Thank you so much!
beautiful post, dear!! And oh my goodness I cannot stop looking at these pictures. seriously, magical xo