He’s 10 years old. I’ve been a mom for an entire decade. I have to type that and repeat it over and over in my head in order to believe it.

When he was born I knew the sort of mom I wanted to be. I prepped my shoulder for him to cry on, I bought heaps of felt for all the craft projects we were going to do. The glitter and glue guns were at the ready. He was going to be able to prepare a complete meal by the time we was five because he would join me in the kitchen every evening as I prepped dinner. I would read to him every night, be in his classroom every week, play on the floor with him every day. And then reality hit and I did some of those things sometimes but I constantly failed to live up to the expectation I put on the mom I wanted to be.

Then I stopped being her and started being me.

I set aside those expectations of what I thought motherhood was going to be and leaned into what it actually is and how I fit into that. What once I saw as my “failures” became simply a sign of my humanity. And, as you saw in the conversation from last week’s post – I started to take note of the things I was doing right rather than constantly sitting in the muck of how I thought I was messing it all up. You know what happened when I freed myself up enough to say, “hey, this was actually a pretty great mom thing you just did there!” The floodgates of my parenting thumbs up opened wide and suddenly I was able to go through my days and say to myself, “that was good!” “Nice work on that conversation!” “You played catch with him for 30 minutes? I mean, you’re pretty much a saint.” And then sometimes there was, “yikes, did you really need to say that?” And in that moment I remind myself that I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, I own up to them, apologize and we can move on.

Ten years in and I still have a lot to learn but I’m so happy to be here, parenting in a way that fits me, and loving on my boy who is becoming more himself each and every day.

This “cake” of sorts was made at his request. It’s been a go-to for birthdays over the last couple of years and every time it’s requested I get just as eager to eat it as they do. He may not quite know how to prepare an entire meal yet (although his scrambled eggs are perfectly fluffy) he does know the value of brown butter and that’s how we start this cake. The other secret to this towering cereal treat is a good bit of salt to offset the inevitable sweetness that comes when marshmallows are the glue and a frosting that leans more towards bitter than sweet.

Happy birthday, buddy. Thanks for making me a mom and helping me figure out what that even means.

Peanut Butter Rice Krispie Treat Cake

Serves 10 - 12

1 cup / 2 sticks butter

2 10 ounce bags marshmallows

8 ounces / 1 cup peanut butter

13 - 14 cups / 1 pound Rice Krispies

Sea salt or flake salt

1 pound chopped, bittersweet chocolate

2 cups / 1 pound sour cream

2 cups powdered sugar, sifted

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

For the peanut butter rice krispie cake: Butter and line three 8-inch round cake pans with parchment paper. Butter the parchment paper as well then set those aside.

In a large sauce pan melt the butter. Continue to melt until bubbly and it starts to foam. As the bubbles subside you will notice little brown bits on the bottom of the pan and the butter smells nutty. Turn off the heat then add the marshmallows. Stir until the marshmallows are completely melted.

Stir in the peanut butter.

Add the Rice Krispie cereal to a very large bowl. Seriously, big. If you don’t have a big enough bowl I suggest mixing this in two batches.

Pour the butter/mallow mixture over the Rice Krispies then stir well to combine. It takes a good bit of stirring but eventually all will be well coated. Sprinkle in a teaspoon or so of flake salt or 1/2 teaspoon sea salt.

Divide the mixture evenly between the three pans. Press them down firmly then set aside for a couple of hours to firm up.

I like to add a bit more flake salt to the top of the layers.

For the frosting: Melt the chocolate over a double boiler. Remove the bowl from the heat and stir in the sour cream. Carefully stir in the powdered sugar until well combined. Add the salt.

You can use the frosting right away or set aside for later. If it gets too firm simply melt over a double boiler and stir until it reaches the desired consistency.

Spread the frosting between the layers and on the top of the cake.

Finish with sprinkles - or a bit more flake salt.

I started making homemade pasta when I was eight. My parents kindly complimenting my bowls of mush while eating soppy noodles with much oohing and ahhing. I’ve since improved my pasta making skills.

The moment I realized I could make my own butter I was out of my seat and shaking a jar of cream.  As time allows I make my own puff pastry, soft cheeses, mayonnaise, marshmallows, dressings, etc. And even though our garden is quite meager, I get giddy when I am able to feed my family from the tiny seeds I planted just weeks prior.

As we are so often surrounded by pre-made products I am incredibly satisfied when I am able to fulfill a need using raw materials readily found in my kitchen. Most often it is things like pulling warm homemade bread out of the oven or sewing an airy summer dress for my daughter that calls upon these emotions and connects me to the generations prior for which this was their normal.

For some reason it is those classic childhood flavors in the form of sugary candy that I rarely think to recreate at home. I find such mystery in their creation, quite possibly because I don’t recognize a single ingredient found on the back of their colorful exterior. I, in a more-frequent-than-should-be moment, enjoy the familiarity of their flavor and move on never stopping for a moment to think, I could make this. In fact it could quite possibly even be better.

Their cloyingly sweet flavors could be made less harsh through the use of less refined ingredients. The familiar waxy melt of their chocolate that contains little to none of the ingredients found in those football shaped cacao pods could be replaced with bittersweet chocolate that puddles and melts against the heat of the tongue.

Such a revelation occurred when I happened upon a recipe for homemade peanut butter finger candy. As a child I adored the odd orange candy that shattered under the weight of my young, eager bite. Strangely enough I don’t think I realized that peanut butter was the main ingredient for this candy until recently. In my young mind it was just something crunchy, sweet, and there was chocolate – no further thinking needed. Even more alluring was the memory of these candies crushed into bits and stirred into creamy vanilla flavored soft serve. Yes, that’s right – a Butterfinger blizzard. So cold it makes your head hurt but so satisfying that you don’t care.

The trick in recreating flavors you’ve enjoyed all throughout your life is getting them to satisfy you in the same way they did in your memory. You want them to be better than the store-bought version but not so much so that they no longer resemble what you were originally trying to create. It’s a fine balance and I am thrilled to report that this recipe has achieved such convenient-store-candy-recreating success. And you must, for the love of a Blizzard, stir these sugary crumbs into ice cream.

Continue for the recipe..

Homemade Peanut Butter Finger Candy

adapted from "The Ultimate Candy Book" by Bruce Weinstein

Candy making can be intimidating but the result is well worth the headache. A candy thermometer is crucial in beginning to make candy. Pull the sugar as soon as it reaches 290* and work quickly. Be so very careful when working with hot sugar as its burn hurts more than any other. Have I scared you? NO? Good. Yes? Sorry. Again, I assure you with a little patience and persistence you will soon have homemade butter fingers. Now get going.

*In the comments someone just asked a great question. "What candy thermometer do you recommend?" I use the Taylor Commercial Waterproof Digital Thermometer. I like the easy to read digital face. It does not, however, clip to the side. If you do it will melt - speaking from experience. But I've made candy so often I can tell when the sugar is getting close to done, then I insert the thermometer just to be sure. This thermometer measures quickly and again it's easy to read so you don't have to hold it there forever. The classic Candy & Deep Fry Thermometer is nice because it can stick to the side of the pan but I find it hard to read accurately and in candy making, accuracy is very critical.

1 cup smooth peanut butter

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

¼ teaspoon salt (kosher, fleur de sel, Maldon)

½ vanilla bean, seeds removed (optional)

1 cup sugar

⅓ cup light corn syrup

½ cup water

¾ cup chopped bittersweet chocolate (chocolate chips are fine too)

Butter an 8-inch square pan then set aside. In a small, microwave-safe bowl (if you don’t have a microwave you can use a double boiler) combine the peanut butter, vanilla, and salt. Set that aside.

In a very clean medium saucepan combine the vanilla seeds (if using), sugar, corn syrup and water. Using clean hands combine those ingredients and remove any grains of sugar left on the sides of the pan with your fingers and a bit more water. I use my hands for this because I can be certain to feel if any gritty grains remain on the side and the sugar in the bottom of the pan is lump-free. You may also use a pastry brush to wet down the sides of the pan if you prefer.

On medium-high heat cook the sugar until it reaches 290*, just under hard crack. While the sugar cooks warm the peanut butter mixture in the microwave for 30 seconds. Keep warm. Once the sugar has reached 290* quickly add the peanut butter mixture and stir to combine. The mixture thickens quickly so once combined immediately put the mixture in the buttered pan. Let cool for about 7 minutes on a wire rack. While it is still warm carefully scatter your chocolate on top. Let it sit for a couple of minutes. Using an offset spatula spread the chocolate evening over the peanut butter candy. Place in the fridge to set for about 30 minutes.

Once the candy has set run a knife or the edge of an offset spatula around the edge of the pan then invert. The candy should pop out but if it doesn’t insert your knife into the corner and pry it up until it pops out.

Cut the candy into desired shapes. I like to keep my stash in a ziploc bag in the freezer. I love the texture of this candy when it’s frozen and then it’s always ready to be added to vanilla ice cream.

Peanut Butter Finger Ice Cream

serves 2, generously

2 cups vanilla ice cream

⅓ cup (more is okay too) homemade peanut butter candy pieces

Place your candy in a ziploc bag and use a rolling pin to break into smaller pieces. They don’t need to be uniform, in fact it’s better if they aren’t.

In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment add the ice cream and mix until it is the texture of soft serve. Add the candy pieces and mix just to combine. Serve immediately.