He’s 10 years old. I’ve been a mom for an entire decade. I have to type that and repeat it over and over in my head in order to believe it.

When he was born I knew the sort of mom I wanted to be. I prepped my shoulder for him to cry on, I bought heaps of felt for all the craft projects we were going to do. The glitter and glue guns were at the ready. He was going to be able to prepare a complete meal by the time we was five because he would join me in the kitchen every evening as I prepped dinner. I would read to him every night, be in his classroom every week, play on the floor with him every day. And then reality hit and I did some of those things sometimes but I constantly failed to live up to the expectation I put on the mom I wanted to be.

Then I stopped being her and started being me.

I set aside those expectations of what I thought motherhood was going to be and leaned into what it actually is and how I fit into that. What once I saw as my “failures” became simply a sign of my humanity. And, as you saw in the conversation from last week’s post – I started to take note of the things I was doing right rather than constantly sitting in the muck of how I thought I was messing it all up. You know what happened when I freed myself up enough to say, “hey, this was actually a pretty great mom thing you just did there!” The floodgates of my parenting thumbs up opened wide and suddenly I was able to go through my days and say to myself, “that was good!” “Nice work on that conversation!” “You played catch with him for 30 minutes? I mean, you’re pretty much a saint.” And then sometimes there was, “yikes, did you really need to say that?” And in that moment I remind myself that I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, I own up to them, apologize and we can move on.

Ten years in and I still have a lot to learn but I’m so happy to be here, parenting in a way that fits me, and loving on my boy who is becoming more himself each and every day.

This “cake” of sorts was made at his request. It’s been a go-to for birthdays over the last couple of years and every time it’s requested I get just as eager to eat it as they do. He may not quite know how to prepare an entire meal yet (although his scrambled eggs are perfectly fluffy) he does know the value of brown butter and that’s how we start this cake. The other secret to this towering cereal treat is a good bit of salt to offset the inevitable sweetness that comes when marshmallows are the glue and a frosting that leans more towards bitter than sweet.

Happy birthday, buddy. Thanks for making me a mom and helping me figure out what that even means.

Peanut Butter Rice Krispie Treat Cake

Serves 10 - 12

1 cup / 2 sticks butter

2 10 ounce bags marshmallows

8 ounces / 1 cup peanut butter

13 - 14 cups / 1 pound Rice Krispies

Sea salt or flake salt

1 pound chopped, bittersweet chocolate

2 cups / 1 pound sour cream

2 cups powdered sugar, sifted

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

For the peanut butter rice krispie cake: Butter and line three 8-inch round cake pans with parchment paper. Butter the parchment paper as well then set those aside.

In a large sauce pan melt the butter. Continue to melt until bubbly and it starts to foam. As the bubbles subside you will notice little brown bits on the bottom of the pan and the butter smells nutty. Turn off the heat then add the marshmallows. Stir until the marshmallows are completely melted.

Stir in the peanut butter.

Add the Rice Krispie cereal to a very large bowl. Seriously, big. If you don’t have a big enough bowl I suggest mixing this in two batches.

Pour the butter/mallow mixture over the Rice Krispies then stir well to combine. It takes a good bit of stirring but eventually all will be well coated. Sprinkle in a teaspoon or so of flake salt or 1/2 teaspoon sea salt.

Divide the mixture evenly between the three pans. Press them down firmly then set aside for a couple of hours to firm up.

I like to add a bit more flake salt to the top of the layers.

For the frosting: Melt the chocolate over a double boiler. Remove the bowl from the heat and stir in the sour cream. Carefully stir in the powdered sugar until well combined. Add the salt.

You can use the frosting right away or set aside for later. If it gets too firm simply melt over a double boiler and stir until it reaches the desired consistency.

Spread the frosting between the layers and on the top of the cake.

Finish with sprinkles - or a bit more flake salt.

“Roman, tomorrow is your birthday. We can do anything you want. We can go get ice cream? I can make you a special dinner? Anything.” Roman sat there thinking while I bombarded him with questions marveling that I was about to watch my number two turn 5.

“I want a chocolate cake and I want it to say, ‘Baron, Roman love Mama’ and have the Lone Ranger with a gun, kicking his leg like this.” He proceeded to show me exactly what he wanted the Lone Ranger to be doing by shaping his lego Lone Ranger into the perfect position.

Chocolate cake it is. I’ll worry about the details later.

In the morning, Roman chose Fruity Pebbles from the store as it’s tradition in our house that the birthday child gets to choose any kind of cereal, even the sugary, unnaturally bright colored types that we never keep in the house unless it’s someone’s birthday. This tradition continues from my husband’s childhood and it’s one we all love and benefit from. Because yes, I totally indulged in a bowl of crackly, sort of fruit flavored pebbles that morning and also, I stole a few bits of the shells mac & cheese that the birthday boy requested for dinner. You know, the boxed kind with the fluorescent cheese powder. That box exists in our house too. And each time I rip into that box I feel a little guilty. The same guilt that I feel when I walk out the front door and my daughter says, “I want you to stay and snuggle with me.” It’s the “am I reading too little to them? Should they be taking more vitamins? I should have scratched their backs longer last night. Why did I say that and in THAT tone?” It’s that sort of guilt that piles on my shoulders weighing me down and whispering thoughts of inadequacy all throughout the day. This guilt that builds my defense before I need to defend a thing. This shame that makes me feel unworthy, unloved and constantly attacked even by my sweet children.

Lately I’ve become fed up with those feelings. What am I so afraid of that I’d burden myself with all this guilt? That my children won’t feel loved enough? Impossible. If it were attainable and if it’d prove anything to them I’d run to the moon and back for my kids. I have no question of my love for them so why then do I assume they will question it? If I’m operating out of that never ending source of love for them then they will feel loved by me, even if they want me to read another book, or scratch their backs longer or wish that I could stay home and snuggle all day.

That’s now where I’m trying to parent from – knowing full well that I love them completely. When they aren’t completely satisfied I remind them of my love, remind them that I’m human, apologize when I’ve been selfish, and walk confidently in my love for them. Because when I’m confident in that love then they are too.

And if I they ever need a reminder of my love for them I’ll tell them about their 7th and 5th birthday parties when we played games for hours under neon lights, surrounded by dozens of candy-crazed kids running around and ate fabricated pizza at Chuck E. Cheese. That’s right. We partied with Chuck E. and I got to say it was so nice walking away and not having to worry about clean up. Initially I felt guilty for going along with this plan. I’m the mom who throws epic lego/pirate parties and THEY want Chuck E. Cheese. But I love them and they loved the party.

I did, however, bring in my own cake because I draw the line somewhere. It was the same one that Roman requested on his actual birthday. The same one that I had made four times in three weeks during “the great birthday season of 2013” which brings about one cake after the other. It’s this simple chocolate cake with a tangy and bittersweet chocolate frosting, in particular, and it is always in the mood to celebrate.

This cake has been on the blog before but I really do think it’s worth mentioning again. For one thing it’s made all in one bowl, for another all the ingredients are pantry staples and finally, and most importantly, the flavor is richly chocolate, the texture is soft and springy and strong enough to hold the frosting which is loaded with bittersweet chocolate and sour cream. Although the texture and flavor of the cake really improves after a day’s rest, it can, if need be, be made and frosted in a matter of a couple hours when the birthday boy wants chocolate cake even though the to do list doesn’t allow for much room in the day, you make it happen. Not because you feel obligated too or would feel guilty if you didn’t but because you love him and that’s enough.

Chocolate Cake with Bittersweet Sour Cream Frosting

This cake has been called “magic cake” and “dump and stir cake” which is how Regan Daley in “In the Sweet Kitchen” refers to it. Since discovering this recipe it’s been my go-to chocolate cake. I used it often when I made wedding cakes for a living. I only deviate to another recipe on occasion when I’m lured in by the addition sour cream or buttermilk in the batter but this simple recipe never fails. It’s a wonderful tasting cake that just so happens to be vegan and doesn’t have you messing with melting chocolate. It also makes fantastic cupcakes.

makes 3 8” inch layers or 24 cupcakes

3 cups all-purpose flour

2 cups sugar (I’ve used white or brown or a combination of the two and all work well)

1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon kosher salt

3/4 cup vegetable oil (or other, nearly flavorless oil)

2 tablespoons white vinegar

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 cup coffee (you can use instant espresso granules instead, 1 tablespoon mixed with 1 cup water)

1 cup water

Prepare three  8 inch cake pans with butter and parchment on the bottom.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F.

Whisk together the dry ingredients in a large bowl until everything is well blended.

Add the wet ingredients and whisk to combine. Evenly divide the batter between the three pans and bake until the top springs back gently when pushed, 20-25 minutes.

After 5 minutes out of the oven, cool the cakes on a wire rack before frosting.

Chocolate Sour Cream Frosting

Essentially we’re making a ganache frosting but instead of cream we’re using sour cream so we’ll get a thick, creamy and tangy frosting which quite beautifully pairs with bittersweet chocolate. 

4 cups /1 lb 6 ounces chopped, bittersweet chocolate

2 1/2 cups / 1 lb 6 ounces sour cream

1 cup powdered sugar

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

Melt the chocolate in a bowl set over a large pot of simmering water. Once completely melted turn off the heat but keep the bowl over the pot of water. Stir in the sour cream until well combined. If some of the chocolate firms up, turn the heat back on to melt through. Stir until everything is well mixed and no little clumps remain.

Carefully stir in the powdered sugar and salt. Taste and adjust to your preference. It is a very tangy frosting but if you’d prefer less tang you can add a bit more sugar.

Let the frosting sit off the heat until you can easily spread it on the cake layers, for an hour or so.

Assembling the cake

Sometimes if I’m feeling up to it I’ll put a layer of jam on the cakes or a flavored simple syrup (whiskey is nice here). Simply brush the layers with the syrup or jam just to moisten and then proceed to frost.

To keep clean up easier, I put down layers of parchment to cover the cake plate, then I slide them out when I’ve finished frosting to reveal a clean plate. Because this cake is so moist, sometimes the bottom layer sticks to the parchment so I’d recommend buttering or spraying the parchment to prevent sticking.

Due to the frantic state in which I was baking the cake the layers turned out very uneven. I didn’t want to bother with trimming the layers (I get very lazy in my cake baking) so I used the frosting to help even out the layers.

Start with one layer of cake and put about 1 cup of frosting in the middle. Spread around the first layer and push any excess frosting to the sides of the cake.

Top with an additional layer and repeat the process. Take a step back to see how straight the cake is and adjust if need be.

Finish with the final cake layer. Put a large amount of frosting on the top and push the excess over the sides and frost the sides.

In leu of a crumb coat I just usually put a thick amount of frosting on to hide any crumbs. But if you’d like you could cover the cake in a light layer of frosting, which glues the crumbs to the cake, then refrigerate and frost with an additional layer of frosting once the first layer has set.

Don’t forget to top the cake with the Lone Ranger as I did.

I couldn’t decide on the perfect cake to celebrate my little girl turning one. So I did what any normal person would do – I made three cakes.

It’s possible I regretted this decision as I frantically frosted while the list of things yet to do grew longer and longer as time went on. But in the end there were three. Every little girl needs three cakes at her birthday.

Many of you commented on the gradient cake from this post. Layers of pink fondant subtly change in tone creating a sweet, modern looking cake. In the name of birthday parties everywhere, my husband and I created a video to show the process of creating this cake.

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I used Fondarific Buttercream Antique White Fondant and also Fondarific Buttercream Red Fondant. As lovely as this fondant smells I still prefer to peel mine off rather than eating it. My children, however, love the stuff.

You will also need a frosted cake, water and a paintbrush, a straight edge (or a good eye), pizza cutter (or sharp knife), rolling pin, and powdered sugar to keep the fondant from sticking.

Begin by covering your cake in a 1/4″ thick layer of fondant.

Roll out the darkest color of the gradient to about 1/8″ thick and cut into two roughly 1″ strips. Use powdered sugar to prevent sticking. Apply a small amount of water to the back of the strips than place on the base of the cake. Apply both strips then add some white to the first gradient color to create a lighter tone. Continue the process until you reach the top of the cake.

Keep the seams in the same place.

There it is.