The cup sat on the edge of the table in such a way that light flooded in from behind highlighting little peaks of the frothed leaf that sat suspended on the latte. I took its picture not because I was overwhelmed by its beauty or because I thought it’d make a compelling image but because I was procrastinating. I had gone there to write but found myself doing whatever I could to avoid facing the blank screen.

“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”
― Michael Law

I don’t know who Michael Law is. I’ve never read any of his books. Truth be told I found this quote on GoodReads after doing a google search, “quotes on perfectionism”.

Regardless of where it came from he made the connection of perfectionism to fear that I was seeking for in my own understanding. I had always thought a perfectionist was one who was impeccable and tidy. I’m not those things, but I am often paralyzed by the fear of failed expectations. Those high expectations and fear of putting anything out into the world that doesn’t meet those expectations can often keep me from creating and that scares me most of all.

Can you do me a favor? Can we all agree that this space isn’t perfect? Nor should it be. That would help me out a lot.

In my last post I said that there is nothing more inspiring than seeing someone with great passion actually putting their dream into action. It’s the opposite of this that makes me terribly sad. When other creative types (of which I have many in my life) speak of their own insecurities and when I sense a paralysis in their creating process because of it, my heart breaks. I flood them with praise and nearly beg them to get out of their own head as it’s a waste of time and will do nothing except hinder their creativity. I realize the irony of this.

In the book of Ecclesiastes it talks about the problem of waiting on the perfect moment. If I wait until I’ve crafted the perfect blog post I will never hit “publish”. If I wait until I’m completely satisfied with my images I will never let them be seen. If I wait to share my food until it’s perfectly seasoned then I will never have the joy of sitting around the table with friends. If I wait on the perfect moment, I will spend forever waiting.

The recipe I have for you today can not and will not wait forever. Regardless of the fumbled words or the images I’m not completely satisfied with, I want you to have these cookies now.

The three o’clock urge for something sweet inspired this recipe. My sweet cravings inevitably lead to cookies – more specifically these cookies. But I feel that making the same thing repeatedly is a missed opportunity for something new. So I reworked the recipe, played around with flours, took out the eggs, added flax and tucked in a few new flavors. They may not be perfect, as nothing ever is, but they’re pretty darn close and that’s enough for me.

Cherry, Almond Chocolate Chip Cookies
There are a few ingredients listed below that may not be pantry staples but the extra trip to the store will be rewarded. These cookies were born out of a desire for cookies while also a desire to add a bit more intrigue and healthy bits to my sweet fix. And to be perfectly honest the reason why there are no eggs in this recipe is because I ran out of eggs at home but now I’m completely in love with flax so it all worked out.

½ cup (1 stick) butter, softened
1 cup Turbinado sugar (sugar in the raw – you could also use demerara sugar)
1 teaspoon instant espresso
1 Tablespoon ground flax seeds (I used whole flax seeds that I ground in my spice grinder).
¼ cup water
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup almond meal, toasted (350* for 15-20 minutes or until lightly golden)
¾ cup white whole wheat flour
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon kosher salt
½ cup dried cherries
1 cup chopped dark chocolate (I used Theo’s 70% with cocoa nibs that they had sent me recently – you can add a couple tablespoons cocoa nibs for a bit of earthy crunch if you’d like).

Pre-heat your oven to 350*.
Combine the flax and water in a small bowl and set aside.
Cream the butter and the sugar until smooth and light in color. Stir in the espresso powder. Add the flax mixture along with the vanilla extract. Stir until well combined.
In a separate bowl whisk together the toasted almond meal, flour, baking soda and salt. Add this to the wet ingredients. Just before the mixture all comes together add the dried cherries and chocolate. Stir until well combined.
Bake at 350* for 12 to 15 minutes or until just golden around the edges and the center still unset. Cool on a wire rack.

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It may have been excessive. Perhaps a bit over the top, but that was sort of what I was going for.

Billowy balloons marked the entrance. Our guests, young and not so young, were greeted by our Lemonade stand offering a variety of cold beverages that refreshed on one of those perfect, late summer afternoons. Through the gate streamers flapped wildly in the warm wind overhead. In the center of it all was a table slathered with red and white striped tablecloth that held a myriad of kid’s dreams.

Still warm cotton candy was served on one side and popcorn on the other. In between it all were jars of jelly beans, ring pops, licorice rope and more. A gumball machine sat proudly upfront with a jar a pennies nestled up close so one would never have to dig through their own pockets.

During the rare moment that a child left that table they found their way towards the face painting area or the designated water gun zone. My sister-in-law provided balloon animals and we all proudly donned pointed party hats and red clown noses.
When the time came to eat something other than candy we headed upstairs. The white and orange striped cake sat in the middle of the long table. Chocolate cupcakes with an abundance of vanilla scented and lightly salted frosting sat next to the cake.

The food could not have been more simple. I supplied buns tucked inside vintage aluminum wrappers, and warm dogs. The guests were given a wide variety of toppings to create the hot dog of their dreams. Conversation buzzed around the table. Each asking for the advice of the other trying to take this opportunity to create the most perfect recipe. There was cream cheese, sharp cheddar spread, pickled peppers, salsa verde, fresh onions, peanut butter (apparently it was quite good), pepper jack cheese, fresh arugula, and of course – ketchup, mustard, relish and mayonnaise. I went with my favorite combination of cream cheese, mustard, pickled peppers, fresh onions and arugula.

On the side there was platter of heirloom tomatoes with blue cheese dressing and nectarines topped with fresh basil, lemon zest, lemon juice and a drizzle of fruity olive oil.

We ate and enjoyed the excitement of the kids buzzing around us. My little birthday girl flitted around in her tutu dress and little painted whiskers on her cheek. Her joy was infectious.

It was a special day filled with more sugar than we see in a year, people we love most in the world, brightly colored signs, and towering cakes. In it all I wanted Ivy and all who were there to feel excessively loved and spoiled.

We’ve since returned back to our normal (with a few pieces of leftover party candy thrown in). A few wilted balloons still hang outside and evidence of the red and white cloth can be found in various corners of the house. I’m not quite ready for it to be over. In the midst of wanting to love on my daughter and my dear family and friends, I was the one who walked away feeling spoiled.

I’ve been reminded lately, quite painfully, that I am an imperfect person who can not be everything to my children. I have and will let them down. I’m sure I have and will inadvertently hurt them. I can not fulfill their every needs. But being their everything is not my job description.

Which is why I cling to those moments where I can bring them great joy and reflect a Love that is so much greater than my own. Sometimes it’s as simple as reading a book, making an odd shaped lego airplane with them or inviting them into the kitchen to help bake a pie. Or sometimes it’s throwing them a party that in my own way tells them they are loved, excessively.

Chocolate Cake
from Gourmet 2010

This is an incredibly simple and delicious chocolate cake. I put a layer of warmed raspberry jam in between the layers as well as the Vanilla Bean Buttercream.
I always find that cakes taste better on the second day, particularly chocolate cake. The time allows for the flavors to mingle and the texture to soften a bit.

1 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1 cup packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs at room temperature 30 minutes
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 cup whole milk

Pre-heat your overn to 350*
Butter and line a 9×2” pan (or 2 6” rounds) with parchment on the bottom. Butter the parchment as well.

In a bowl whisk together the dry ingredients.
Cream the softened butter and brown sugar until light and fluffly in a stand mixer or by hand. Add the eggs one at a time combining well after each addition. Add the vanilla extract.
Alternate the addition of milk and dry ingredients in three additions. Finish mixing by hand to ensure everything is well combined.
Bake at 350*F for 30-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.
Let cool in the pan for 5 minutes before cooling on a wire wrack.

Vanilla Bean Buttercream

adapted from MarthaStewart.com

2 1/2 cups sugar
10 large egg whites
4 cups (8 sticks or 2 pounds) unsalted butter, softened
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 vanilla bean
¼ – ½ teaspoon kosher salt

Combine the sugar and egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer. Place bowl over a simmering pot of water or, if you are brave you can carefully place the bowl directly on a medium-low gas flame. If you go that route just be sure to constantly whisk the eggs and move the bowl so as not to cook the whites.
Using a whisk beat the whites and sugar until the mixture is hot and feels perfectly smooth as the sugar will have dissolved.
Immediately move the bowl to the mixer and begin mixing on medium high. Add the vanilla bean and whip for 10 minutes until the meringue is cool and fluffy.
At this point add the butter about a tablespoon at a time, until all the butter has been incorporated.
There’s a magical point where the buttercream just pulls together. Before that point you may panic and think you have a curdled mess. Don’t give up hope. Just keep mixing and it will come together. Add the salt and taste and adjust as you please. The salt cuts the sweetness nicely but you don’t want so much that it tastes salty. The salt will continue to dissolve as the frosting sits so taste just before frosting the cake or cupcakes and add more at that point if you think it needs it.
Store at room temperature for no longer than a day. Can be refrigerated for up to a week and frozen for a month. Set out a room temperature for several hours. Re-whip if the buttercream has separated.

Tomatoes with Blue Cheese Dressing

Nectarines with Basil and Lemon

Really nothing needs to be done to a perfectly ripe nectarine or peach but if you’re in the mood to add a bit more interest I highly recommend these few ingredients. And it really is more a list of ingredients rather than a recipe as I sort of created in on a whim and failed to measure what I was doing.

4 – 5 ripe nectarines or peaches

1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil

1/2 teaspoon lemon zest

squeeze of fresh lemon juice

2 tablespoons chopped, fresh basil (I threw a bit of Tarragon in there as well as I had an abundance of both in my garden).

Arrange the peaches or nectarines on a platter and top with the remaining ingredients.

Hot Dog Bar

Supply plenty of hot dogs and buns then let your creativity fly. In little dishes near the dogs I arranged:

- mustard

- ketchup

- bbq sauce

- pepper jack cheese

- salsa verde

- sharp cheddar spread

- cream cheese

- Mama Lil’s Pickled peppers

- fresh, diced onion

- arugula

- relish

- peanut butter

Other items I should have included:

- crisped bacon

- caramelized onions

- saurkraut

- kimchi

- whipped cream (just kidding, that’s gross – or is it?)

Sources:

Red/White Striped Tablecloth Roll

Cupcake liners, popcorn bags, straws and hot dog wrappers – Party Delights (Etsy)

Face Paint Sticks

Balloons, Animal Masks, Clown Noses – Display & Costume

Hats – We made them by roughly following this tutorial.

Cake inspiration 

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It’s nearly impossible to return from the market without baskets and baskets of berries in various forms this time of year. I’m not the only shopper in the family who falls for their brilliant hues and sweet perfume that lures you in from yards away, my husband is easily wooed too – I adore that about him.

Last week it was blueberries. He had just returned home from the store when I spotted a heap of large, tight-skinned berries on my counter. My immediate thought was cake. No, wait – pie! No. A crumble! Yes. A crumble. Hmm. But a cobbler would be nice too. Then I ate one thinking it may further help seal their fate. It did, but not in the way I was expecting. I stood there in the kitchen eating those berries until there were only a few left, stopping for the sake of my berry-loving children.

It is often my instinct to see something like a pint of fresh berries and to immediately concoct an elaborate plan. Most likely these plans involve butter, a lot of butter. But as I stood there in my kitchen shoving blueberries into my mouth I couldn’t have imagined a better way of enjoying them. Covered in a smooth, firm skin, crowded with little leaves and soft stems, still warm in a just picked sort of a way with an endearing tartness that I adore.  Sure, a pie would have been nice but often simplicity has a way of showing off one’s true character. It’s honest, unpretentious and gratifying. There will still be cakes, pie, crumbles and crisps but it is great to be reminded that sometimes eating berries straight out of their green composite container is really the best recipe.

Days later a large wooden crate of cherries arrived at my doorstep (a gift from a local farm). I’m not (too) embarrassed to say that I took the crate in its entirety with me to the couch where I sat there and stopped just shy of eating its entire contents. This time is was the fear of not sharing these beauties with you people that caused the cherry feasting to end. I didn’t think you’d be satisfied with a recipe that instructed you to eat cherries alone on a couch (or in bed – I ate them there too). But I couldn’t bring myself to poach, roast, bake or even pickle these berries. They were far too perfect in shape, flavor and color. The best way to enjoy them was just out of the crate.

That is until I decided to give them a bit of a dip in melted white chocolate blended with a fragrant vanilla bean. Still simple but dressed up enough to be called dessert. Everything I loved about these cherries remained intact – a crisp bite of a pinkish skin that yielded to a bright, tart interior. As a young girl in a dress suddenly stands up taller with a bit more confidence and grace as she instantly feels more like a princess so were these cherries in their sweet, vanilla scented dress. A gentle and subtle addition to accentuate their honest beauty and simplicity.

White Chocolate Dipped Cherries with Vanilla Bean

The cherries I dipped were a rare type called Orondo. Darker and sweeter than a Rainier, lighter and tangier than a Bing. Really, the perfect cherry. If you can’t get a hold of these beauties I’d take Rainier over Bing any day. 

This recipe is quite rough. Essentially you melt white chocolate, stir in vanilla seeds and dip cherries. I gave rough numbers for those who like them.

6 ounces white chocolate, chopped

1 vanilla bean, split with seeds scraped

1 pound cherries

In a small bowl melt chopped chocolate in a microwave or over a bowl of simmering water. If using the microwave only heat for 20 second intervals, stirring in between each. Once melted, stir in vanilla seeds. Reserve the bean to add to you sugar jar or simmer in simple syrup for cocktail or lemonade making.

Dip the clean cherries into the melted white chocolate. Place on a parchment covered tray and refrigerate until firm or ready to eat.

Classic Amaretto Sour

Newly married, Amaretto Sour was our drink of choice. I think it made us feel grown up then. Now we drink them because they taste so darn good. We’ve matured in many ways over the years with one of them being the banishment of pre-made sweet and sour. With only two ingredients this cocktail mixes together (a little too) quickly and easily. These vanilla and white chocolate cherries add a layer of sweetness and invade your senses before you even taste the cocktail. Each drink really should have two – one for eating immediately and the other for lingering until the last sip.

1 ounce Amaretto

juice from 1/2 a lemon

2 white chocolate dipped cherries

Rim an old fashioned glass with lemon and dip into sugar. Shake the amaretto and lemon juice then pour over ice. Garnish with cherries.

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With a title like that there is really nothing else that needs to be said.

In fact I feel sort of badly for writing anything at all knowing that the time you take to read these words is time you are not setting to the task of making this cake. But perhaps there are a few of you who are not already gathering the cocoa, butter and sugar just by the mere mention of “fudge”, “pudding” and “cake”.

It’s for those people that I speak of the union of cake, brownie and hot fudge that this single recipe manages to accomplish so well. For those who have yet to pre-heat the oven I will tell you its black as night appearance that informs you of its richness before a single bite is taken. The agressive scent of cocoa flees the oven just as the cake is done baking and the faint hint of coffee only helps to accentuate the intense chocolate.

What I find most endearing about this recipe is that it manages to cover most bases as far as cravings go. Of course it has chocolate well taken care of but for me even a simple chocolate craving is made complicated by my follow up question of texture. With this recipe you get a bit of crisp bite if you are quick enough to grab a corner piece, a thin layer of soft cake is tucked underneath which then gives way to a warm fudge sauce. All of that served over ice cream makes for one stunner of a sundae.

It’s hard for me to imagine that there is any need for further convincing. So I’ll leave it at that.

Hot Fudge Pudding Cake
adapted from Grandma and Cook’s Country

This recipe comes from my grandma’s archives. I love passing along recipes from her to my own family. With each dump of an ingredient and stir of the batter I’m reminded that grandma raised six wonderful children and lived to tell about it so surely I’ll survive raising three. Perhaps she, like me, used this cake on those desperate days to help pull through. 

1 cup flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ cup cocoa
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
½ cup milk
4 Tablespoons butter, melted
1 egg yolk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 Tablespoon instant espresso powder
1 cup hot water
½ cup chocolate chips
Pre-heat your oven to 350*
In a large bowl combine the flour, baking powder, ¼ cup cocoa, salt and ½ cup sugar. Whisk to combine. Stir in the milk, vanilla extract, egg yolk and melted butter. Spread into a buttered 9” square cake pan.

In a small bowl combine the remaining ½ cup brown sugar and ¼ cup cocoa. Whisk to break up clumps. Sprinkle the chocolate chips over the cake batter then sprinkle the cocoa powder and sugar mixture on top of that.

Combine the espresso powder with the hot water and pour all over the top but do not stir. Bake 35-40 minutes or until the edges of the cake feel baked but the middle still has a gentle jiggle as the sauce poured on top has now settled to the bottom to create a rich pudding. Brilliant, really.

Let cool in the pan for about 15-20 minutes before serving. Serve alongside whipped cream or vanilla ice cream.

*Quick note:

I’m hosting a great giveaway and you have until next Monday, 4/30 to enter.

Okay, I’m done now. As always, thanks for being here.

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I wanted to be the mom who had warm cookies waiting on the counter when they got home from school. They would bound through the door and race into the kitchen being lured in by the chocolate and caramelized sugar perfume. I would just be finishing wiping up the last of the flour from the counter as they told me about their day. Beyond that I hadn’t thought much about life as a mom before I was one.

Then suddenly it happened. Well, after 9 months (40 weeks and 3 days but who’s counting?) of heartburn, back aches, tiredness, nausea, stretch marks and those sweet little kicks that made me teary every time, I became a mom.

I didn’t enter this role gracefully. I fought its tendencies towards monotony, the constant need to be self-less and the days on end when finding time for a shower seemed less likely than winning the lottery.

Love. That part I had down. When my first born was six weeks old I remember holding him and sobbing, fearing that he would never understand how much I love him. I thought that maybe he could see it in my eyes as we exchanged a look. He made a sort of blink and nod that assured me he felt my love until I heard a rumble and realized our moment was misinterpreted as what was now a dirty diaper.

Parenting is something that oddly elicits advice when it’s not sought after. Nearly six years into this gig I find myself freely offering up my own bits and pieces here and there to people that most likely are rolling their eyes right in front of me without my noticing because I’m quite into my own moment of reflecting on parenting. I can’t help myself. Perhaps because it has been the hardest and yet the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. Through parenting I’ve been revealed, exposed and refined. These little ones have the ability to teach me, shape me and instruct me. That’s the sort of thing that I can’t help but talk about.

As a very new mom I was doing the eye rolling at unsolicited advice. Especially the one about enjoying the time when they are so little, it goes so fast. I heard that one hundreds of times and each time I wanted to offer them my children so they could dispel their own myth about this being an enjoyable time. I wanted them to “enjoy” the sleepless nights, the insessent diapers, the endless pile of spit-up soaked laundry, the piercing whines, and the lack of quiet moments alone. I resented that comment as it immediately made me feel horribly guilty for not loving every moment of this gig. There must be something wrong with me, I thought, these days don’t feel fleeting they feel endless.

Waking in the middle of the night to soothe them back to sleep I would remind myself, “enjoy this” but I did not. I wanted to sleep. Of course there were and are thousands of moments that I wanted to seal and store up to open when they are grown. The feeling of a baby falling asleep in your arms, a three year old asking for “snuggles”, a five year old requesting a date with you and the joyful chorus of the three of them playing legos upstairs then eagerly bounding down the stairs to show me their creations. Those are the moments I will long for.

It’s not that I don’t normally heed words of wisdom. Cozying up to the words of those who have traversed these waters before me is one of my favorite places to reside but I quickly realized that they have forgotten the details. There is a sort of amnesia that happens as the young years roll into older ones. The stench of dirty diapers no longer permeate their home leaving little trace of what actually was the reality of the days of raising young children.

I fear I’m now doing that very thing. I see someone with a baby and I run to it like a mosquito to a bright light. I swoon over the inflated cheeks and squeeze the pudgy thighs taking care not to completely freak out the baby and his sleep-deprived mother. I think when I compare baby’s thighs to sausages and how much I just want to eat them up they are indeed quite scared.

I look deeply into the mother’s eyes and speak of how I miss those baby days. I urge her to cherish these days as they pass too quickly. I long for that sweet baby scent as I inhale her baby. She doesn’t run but I’m sure she wants to.

Then I realize, I’ve done it. I have offered the advice that I so often heard and despised. The truth is I’m thrilled that we are getting a full night’s sleep. I love that I can have conversations with my 5 year old. That he desires to spend time with me and that he lets me into his reality. He offers up little glimpses into how he thinks and feels and I soak those in. My husband and I are thrilled to see them becoming more independent and in the process they are becoming little people – really awesome little people. We are sneaking in more and more moments of our own time and it feels magical. I should tell that mom this rather than inducing guilt.

We are better people having had those sleepless nights and having been forced to be incredibly selfless. There isn’t anything I would change but I want to be able to remember the challenge of it all. I felt so alone as a new mom. I felt horrible for not liking this roll as much as I thought I should. I wanted to quit my job but the career path of being a mom is one that you can’t leave. Those littles need you and whether you realize it at the time, you need them. It’s my desire to not instill in young mothers the guilt I felt when I was told to cherish those days. The reality is it’s tough work and if you don’t enjoy every moment of it you are still an incredible mom. We need to be okay with admitting our own hardships share them with those that are close to you so that we can encourage and support one another.

We women try so hard to do it all and fool everyone into thinking we have it all together when we would do better to serve one another by sharing our struggles. When I’ve done this I have found great freedom and help as often I am not the only one feeling this way. Not that I want others to struggle as I do but there is comfort in not being alone and we can work together to ease the burden.

When you aren’t a parent there is no way of knowing how hard and how joyful this journey will be. Figuring that out is part of the process. So many times I sat holding a screaming baby thinking, “how did I get here?” For better or worse. I had no idea what I was in for but I did know that there would be cookies. Warm cookies heavily laden with dark chocolate and molasses scented brown sugar. There is comfort in cookies. At some point in this parenting job I released the burden of trying to be the mom that I am not and relished in the mom that I am. Offering my children a warm plate of cookies every now and again – that I can do. I may not be the most patient mother but there will be cookies.

Caramel Chocolate Chunk Cookies

This recipe is an adaptation of one found in Grandma’s box. I added chocolate as I often do. You may leave it out and replace with nuts or coconut as Grandma suggests. Once baked my version is a close relative of the classic chocolate chip cookie. A bit sweeter and softer than my normal chocolate chip cookie and a subtle caramel and toffee flavor. One really can’t have too many chocolate chip cookie recipes. Also, if raw eggs don’t scare you please do yourself a favor and taste this dough – as if I needed to even suggest that, who doesn’t eat at least SOME cookie dough? The toffee flavor is most pronounced in this state.

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

2 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

2 cups flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

6-8 oz dark chocolate, chopped

In a small saucepan add the butter and brown sugar. Bring to a boil and simmer until the sugar has dissolved. Watch carefully as you don’t want to scorch the sugar.

Let this mixture cool slightly then add to a large mixing bowl and continue to cool for 20 minutes. Once cooled add the eggs and vanilla then stir to combine. Stir in the salt, flour and baking powder. With a few streaks of flour remaining add the chocolate. If the mixture is still warm some bits of the chocolate may melt. A little bit of melting is fine and sort of wonderful.

Place the bowl in the fridge and let chill for 30 minutes.

Pre-heat your oven to 350*

Line a sheet tray with parchment and set aside.

Scoop the batter into tablespoon-size rounds and place on the sheet tray. Bake for 12 minutes until golden around the rims. Let the cookies cool on the tray for five minutes while they settle into themselves creating a crackly crust.

Finish cooling on a wire rack.

** I have a fun announcement for you all! I have been nominated in the Saveur.com Best Food Blog Awards for Food Photography. Oh boy, I’m excited about this. The voting has begun and I am shamelessly asking for yours if you don’t mind. Thanks to all those who nominated! You deserve a cookie.

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